So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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