Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
