i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
