Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
