My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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