I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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