First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
