you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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