my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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