I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
