we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
