Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
