it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
