Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
