I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
