You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
