Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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