Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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