Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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