I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
