apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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