we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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