found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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