Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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