see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
