Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
