I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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