Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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