I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have already put on my inside pants.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
