I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
where does the pee come out of this thing
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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