Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
