one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I AM VODKA MAN
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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