I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
