Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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