I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
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You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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