OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He passed out mid-signature
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
