theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
