um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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