I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
