Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
