I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
