I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
