i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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