You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
