i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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