I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
