i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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