Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
40s are totally the cure
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
