Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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