Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I want to be your penis for a week.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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