im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
