im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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