She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
